Blog. Another Way to Heal

Do you write a diary or a journal?? Yes, that notebook which keep all your feelings and thoughts and even your darkest secret. 

from here

Well I do. Even I never really finish it to the very last page. I just write several times and then forgot to do it and finally, new year comes. Then I just bought another notebook and do that cycle again. Shame on me.

Now, I have a journal which I called blog. I'm sure you all know it and there's a big chance that you have it to. It's digital era now. Although I also sure that some of you (us) still have that notebook (maybe with lock). 

Back to my blog. I have several blog on blogger. Yeah.. I know. You wanna say that I'm bit greedy right?? Just wait till you hear this one. I also got one from wordpress >.<. For your information, each one of them (I mean the blog) represent a topic. One for my daily, one for my crafting, and one for my book collection. While the wordpress one, its for all of them (I just try it few month). And it was Ok.

In general, I can say that I LOVE Blogging. Its not only for the sake of my sanity. I mean, if I can't throw whats in my mind into something or someplace, I'm pretty sure that I will end up in mental hospital. But this blog thing also give me chances enter someone else's life without interfering them. I also got a chance to learn and adding some knowledge just from visiting and read their blog. 

I even have my own blog list. List of blog that inspires me for all these years. Those blog heal some of my wound with its own way. Give me some new perspective of life. And make me a better person with its own way.

Last Day @ Work

Finally!!!
Last day @ Work!!
Coz from tomorrow until 4th of September, our office is closed due to Lebaran (EID) day. So.. bye-bye paper work, report and binder. Welcome freedom. Although my activities during holiday is finishing my baby set order (After visiting family and friends off course). Not much of fun right?!

But still.. I'm glad I can have this holiday. Even sometimes I envy to my friends who's Mudik every Lebaran. Mudik is tradition to go to our home town and gathered with family. Especially for those who work in different city. Although from what I heard, mudik is quite challenging. Imagine the massive people who had the same plan with you. Going home. What will happen next difficulty in finding ticket (whether plane, ship or even bus), then buying gift, packing, etc. And when to travel with car or bus, imagine that long trip since there will be travel jam every where. But all of that tiring trip are worth a lot since you'll meet your family and ask for apologize from them (especially your parents).

That's the essence of mudik on Lebaran day right?!

To be with your family, closing old chapter of your book of life and start a new one. With new positive heart and positive mind.

EID MUBARAK .. my dearest friend

May Allah forgive all of our mistakes 

May you gathered with your family & friends

May we meet again on next Lebaran

^__^

My New Buddy

It finally arrived.
New member of my notebook aka. diary family.

I ordered it from mba Tarlen @vitarlenology . My own notebook. Simple notebook with blue leather cover. I asked Mba Tarlen if it's possible to add quote on it. And she said yes. Its a quote which I found in Paulo Coelho's book (The Alchemist).

It's the possibility of having dream come true

that makes life interesting.

pic from sis Tarlen's blog

You know what.. I adore Mba Tarlen, She's one of creative woman I ever know. Just take a look how she packed my note book. She can make good things from unused stuff.

The Package. Wrapped with unused paper

Surprise!! She made a goodie bag for my notebook

On my messy desk

Million thanks Mba Tarlen.

Hopefully I can write things down till the last paper ^__~

Don't Underestimate Old Stuff

Technology makes our work easier, that's for sure. But who said that we don't need old stuff again?? 

I proof it myself today.

This old (manual) type writer helps my work.

See... 

Just remember!! don't underestimate old stuff.

You never know when you'll need it.

I Love Me

got this lovely pic from google

I Love You.

How many times in a day we say it to others? Once? Twice? Or even more.

BUT,

How many times in a day -or even in a month- we say it to ourselves.

Is it that weird?

To stand in front of a mirror and say 'I Love You' to that beautiful creature that we see. To that reflection in front of us.

I Love You who try your best in finding and get close to your GOD.

I Love You who never gave up even in a stormy day.

I Love You who always try to be yourself, although there's a moment when you wish that you're someone else.

Maybe you're not as slim as your friend,but I Love Your effort to eat healthy food.

Maybe you're not as smart as them, but I Love the way you broaden your view with reading.

Yes, how many times you say it to the reflection in front of you.

Maybe..

If I say it more often, someday I'll be able to say..

I LOVE ME.

Thanks GOD

there's no question like this 'why do you want to leave your current job' during today's interview @ SPENCER.

I really don't like it. Why? Gee.. I don't know.. Maybe cause -in my own opinion- there's no right or wrong answer for this.

I'm sure that every company had their own rules or policy and nature. So what's look good for this company may look the opposite way for other company, right? So what I mean is that its depend on how we see it. And you have to try other's shoes to understand how they feel.

Anyway, it's my own opinion. You may correct me if I'm wrong ;)

Sweet Dream..

Mommy's busy..

Selling doughnut to uncle and auntie in this platform

I'll baby sit you lil sis..

So mommy can focus on selling those doughnut

Shhh... sleep tight my dear sister..

Sleep tight with sweet dreams..

Dreaming of mommy having her own little food stall

So you don't have to take a nap in this dusty platform ever

Sudimara, Nov 20, 2010

while waiting for my train 

Gosh!! I missed you, dad.

I sure miss u a lot, daddy !!

I just finished talking with my dad on phone.
Seems like years since our last talk.

We didn't talk much actually, just asking how we doing.
Asking whether his ok or not.
No special father-daughter talk.

Nothing!! just simple talk.
And a minute a go, after I hang up the phone.
My eyes burnt into tears.

Gosh!! I missed him so.

Feel like wanna scream out loud that I MISS HIM!!!! 
Unfortunately can't do that, since I'm @ office right now.
Besides.. even though I scream, he can't listen that anyway :(

Anyway....

I MISS YOU!!!!!!!

Love My Life

Hi all!!

Its 10.13 am, Thursday here (when i started to write). I'm in my office now. Just finished some paperwork. And now I'm kinda in the mood for writing ^_^.

Not a serious one. Just wanna say that I love my life with every chaotic moment in it. Well.. I had to admitted that sometimes, when that chaotic things arrived, I feel like wanna scream out loud or just disappear and never come back *until those probs solved by itself. Something that so impossible :D*. But yet.. after a moment with myself and lots of deep breath and coffee off course :D then I can enjoy those chaotic. Can see everything clearly and then found the answer. 

Funny to tell.. but sometimes, I enjoy being in chaotic life. Maybe that's because somehow I feel much ALIVE.

Anyway.... THANK YOU ALLAH... for every bitter sweet things that came into my life ^_^

pstt i got the pic from photobucket

He Said I'm Arrogant

Remember my prev. post about my relation with him?? Incase you forgot.. this is the post.You know.. I'm not saying that I've made a wrong decision, but I think I didn't think it carefully at that time. Wanna know why?? Well.. for this past two days, I was both shocked and sad.

Shocked and sad because indirectly, he said that I'm arrogant. Yup ARROGANT. It's hurt enough when he said that I was mean. And now, he added arrogant to the list just because I'm asking why he tend to think negative about me. How can just because I didn't ol for a day, he's accusing me for hiding from him plus.. he said that I hate him. So was I wrong when I ask him, how come he think that about me? For me.. it's something normal to ask about. But like I said, because of that question, he considered me arrogant. More over.. he don't want any further discussion on that. So as you wish. I give up.

Don't you know, your words hurt a lot. For a whole day, I'm questioning myself. I even put status on my FB and my YM (through cell) 'Am I Arrogant?' Alhamdulillah, Thanks to Allah.. no one aswer that i'm arrogant. And honestly.. I felt relief. 

Now.. it's up to you. If you ever wanna talk, then we'll talk. If not, then I'll keep my mouth shut. Don't you know I've try my best for this. I'm not a talkative person, but yet I try to make conversation with you. I try to ask many question. Remember when I asked you about your family member?? You only telling me their name *with a few minute gap between one name to another*. Or maybe, last week on your off day. When you told me that you're bored and I ask why bored? don't you have something to do (a week before you cleaned your home)? Don't you go out? Remember your answer? More or less you said 'is it important to go out?' 'is it important to ask that?'. You know.. its like a slap on my face. You can considered my over reacted, but for me, your words means  that i'm not important for you. 

I'm only human. I can made a mistake. And all I want is when I did made a mistake, you tell me what was it, not pointing your finger and judge me. 

How can I know what's my mistake if you didn't tell me? 

Message Sent

Just finished sending email to him about whats in my mind regarding his request for vacation to Bali on Christmas (or is it New Year?).

Well...Had to admitted that it was attempting offer but yet bit scary. You know.. when I heard that offer from him @ the 1st time, so many thing -or should I say issues- just pop up in my head. From religion restriction, mom's permission and so on. Plus.. I quite know myself. I don't think I can be a good company for those who wanna have fun. I'm not a fun person. Absolutely not. 

So just now, I sent him an email which can explain all whats in my mind. Hope he can understand my situation. 

Psstt.... I think I'm kinda nervous waiting for his answer. 

*git the pic from google*

I'm Not a Psychic

You know..

I'm not a psychic who can know things even when you tell me nothing.

I'm not a psychic who know your past, present and predict your future.

I'm not a psychic who had a vision for what to do or say that might make you happy.

I'm just an ordinary gal ..
Who can't read your mind,
Who don't know what's happening to you unless you tell me so.
Who can't do anything if you didn't tell me what you want me to do.

So now you know...

I'm not a psychic.

pic from google

Hopefully.. I made a right choice.

What a day!! Or should I say night?!?! Just few hours a go I finished chat with him. I thought it's gonna be a plain chat. What I mean with plain is when nothing serious and just simple talking. Specially after he gone on vacation for about 2 weeks. And it was. Well until he said that line again. The 'I love you' thing.

Its not that i don't like it. I mean.. what kinda gal who's not feeling happy when a man said that he love her (lots of time). Even if you don't like the person itself, i'm sure you'll still like the fact that someone actually love you. Ok.. back to my feelings. Like I said.. it's not that I don't like it. It's just I don't wanna be in that situation again. You know.. full of tension because of one principal issue. It was so frustrating. So when I finally made up my mind and he finally accept it, I felt relief. One problem gone and finally can enjoy my chat with him again (without tension) while i'm thinking and working on my own family issues.

But last night he said about his feeling and his point of view on our relation. Generally, I get his point although my head still try to absorb everything he said. And before i know it, he suddenly said 'ok.. from now on you are my lover' then start asking me whether i'm ok or not if he visit me on Dec. 

You know what.. i kinda freeze for a while.. and then i just join into the game. I mean.. i've been through so many things in life, and problem also and most of them wasn't my mistake. I didn't cause it but yet I have to responsible for it plus i have to fixed it. So if saying yes to his idea is a mistake (hope not) so be it. At least it's my own mistake, my own risk and consequences.

So please help me ALLAH.

 

Final Decision

What a night!!!!!!!
You know...he finally decided that there's nothing more than friend between us. Well.. his exact line is this:

i have now mentally prepared myself, that we both are not ment for each other, and its from God, for which me and you can not do anything.

 

And somehow.. i feel relieved inside.  Maybe coz I'm tired explaining to him that it's not only the matter of love but my obligation to my ALLAH, that it's my decision and like it or not he got to accept it. And maybe for now... i had enough of this love thing. I'm totally tired!! But despite of that.. we agree that we still friend. Well.. he requested that to me.. to still be my friend and I agree. I mean we started as a friend so why not back as a friend. Maybe that's what best for us now. We don't know about what will happened in the future, right???

Anyway... I do wish all the best for him. I really do.

 

Sunday Morning @ Sayap Ibu

Hi guys!!

How are you today?? Its already mid-week again. So how was your weekend?? Was it good?? or maybe bad?? Hmm.. my weekend was so great. I spend half of my day (Sunday) @ Sayap Ibu. It's an orphanage at Barito area.

I went there with some of my new friend from NGERUMPI (So sorry guys, I hardly can remember all of you :(. I'm so slow in remembering people). Specially coz I was late so don't have a proper time to get to know you all. My mistake :(

Back to Sayap Ibu. Actually, I already visited that place a few week a go. But at that time, I didn't met any kids -since I came on nap time-. But last week, I finally met n played with some of the kids. Hmm.. let me introduce you to some of them.

This handsome boy is Tegar. He's the 1st kid who gave a 'welcome tap' on my hand. He's so skinny. I kinda afraid that he might fall or break down every time he walks. The nanny there told me that when he 1st came to this place, he can't walk at all. But thanks to therapy n surgery that he got, he finally can walk and even run just like the others. But he's voice wasn't clear.

 

This cute gal here is Irma. So active and talkative :D. One of the 'mom' there told me that Irma is in adoption process. Actually few months a go she already been adopted but when her new mom-dad took her to their house, she scream and cry. So they send her back to Sayap Ibu. Hopefully she'll get along fine with her new parents ^_^

This boy is Wahyu. I think he got the nicest smile among them. But hearing his voice is like waiting for rain on the desert. He RARELY speak. When I 1st arrived, he's so busy with his coloring book n color pencil. Wish someday I could hear his voice :)

 

Last but not least, Odi. During my visit, in most of the time I can't hardly see him without remote control. Yep!! He likes to moved tv channel with remote. When the nanny hide it, he simply grab a plastic chair and pull himself up to the chair so he can reach the tv on shelf. I almost burst into tears when he came to me and ask me to carry her on my hand while saying  (more or less) 'I already pick those papers n throw it to garbage can'. So its like he asked me to carry him as a payment coz he has done something good.

 

You know.. spending time with them was so unforgettable. Although it wasn't my 1st time in visiting an orphanage, but I felt something different there. Maybe because most of the kids there are those with some disability. 

Anyway.. they gave new perspective about life. About how am I suppose to be grateful to what I already have and not only focusing to my misery.

 

I wish.. i really wish i could more things for them.