My New Buddy

It finally arrived.
New member of my notebook aka. diary family.

I ordered it from mba Tarlen @vitarlenology . My own notebook. Simple notebook with blue leather cover. I asked Mba Tarlen if it's possible to add quote on it. And she said yes. Its a quote which I found in Paulo Coelho's book (The Alchemist).

It's the possibility of having dream come true

that makes life interesting.

pic from sis Tarlen's blog

You know what.. I adore Mba Tarlen, She's one of creative woman I ever know. Just take a look how she packed my note book. She can make good things from unused stuff.

The Package. Wrapped with unused paper

Surprise!! She made a goodie bag for my notebook

On my messy desk

Million thanks Mba Tarlen.

Hopefully I can write things down till the last paper ^__~

Trying New Style for My Hijab

Since I decided to wore hijab years a go,  I always like to play with my hijab (here in Indonesia we call it Jilbab or Kerudung). I Love to add it with brooch, necklace (yes, sometimes I wore it on my hijab and not my neck), headband, and more.

Its not always easy to do that since I have a round face (not including bit overweight figure). So I have to try for not make my face more chubby than it should be *sigh*.

Latest trend in Fashion Hijab is this one..

RaZha

Called Ciput (something you wear before your hijab/jilbab) Ninja. The material is Spandex Lycra. I never try this because in my opinion it will make my face more round that it should be (see how it stick to her face?). So, I considered it as a BIG NO NO for me.

Today... I try it anyway. I don't know why I did it or what encourage me to wear it. And here's how I look after wearing this before my hijab.

My new style 4 today

Not so bad right?!!?

29 (Twenty Nine)

29 year ago on this date I was born. My birth was cherised, since my older sis was dead a week after her birth.

28 year has passed. Now I'm entering new age. 29 years old.

I'm not afraid with that number. But I do feel afraid if I can't do things better than before.

I do feel afraid if I failed in living my life.

But this 29th door was opened for me. So like it or not, i have to make my 1st step. And I did. And its not as scary as I imagined.

So I just embrace it and say 'hello 29! Welcome to my world!'

How are You??

Hi sweety..

How are you today??

I bet you're ok now. 

Did GOD gave you any fish? or maybe cheese. Your favorite one.

Did you find your siblings there?? or maybe a new friend.

Hope you found one. So you wont feel alone. 

I missed you a lot.

I missed the way you sleep on my lap.

I missed you jump in my bed and crawl next to me.

I missed laughing at you when I tease you with my yarn

I missed to see you run from mommy.

Its your fault anyway. You stole our dinner ;)

I never had any pet again after you're gone.

Loosing you was sad for me and I don't wanna feel that again.

Besides, my new home was small now.

You can't run freely in this small house.

You know what?? 

I found some of your pic in my flash disk. 

Not much of pic. But at least they ease my pain little bit.

I edited them. Look nicer now. I think.

See you again next time.

In heaven.

I wish.

 

What should I do??

Please tell me...

What will you do 

if.. 

your body and mind were in different place at the same time??

Please tell me..

What should I do?

Here I am in my cubicle (just finished my lunch) listening to Vanilla Twilight from OWL City while my minds flow so far. They traveled to different places. Home. My fav. book store. Office that interviewed me. My fav. traditional market. Up to places that I dreamed to visit someday. Anywhere but here. Its been a while since my mind never stick with my body and soul during office hours. Sometimes it's tiring. 

Please tell me..

What should I do?

 

Yay!! Net is Back ;)

After so many days working without internet, and continued with no computer (coz mine was broken again, thanks to virus), finally I can back on line again today.

Yay!!

You know what.. this condition makes me realized that in some point I'm not an internet addict. I mean, I still keep sane during my break time without browsing or blogging like I used to. It's fine with me, just spent it with cleaning my desk with its drawer and rearranging my things or just talking with my colleagues here. 

But still.. I really grateful that I only disconnected from this Maya World for about a week :D.

Before I Met Internet

I'm really not in the mood today. So I just stop working for a while and start wandering around looking at old writing prompts on Mama Kat's Blog.  And finally decided to work on this prompt 'What did you do before we had the internet?'

I wanna write about it since for this past few weeks there's no internet connection at home. We just moved and still busy with unpacking. So no chatting or browsing or gaming or blogging during the night and weekend. And its more like bye bye internet -for a while I hope-.

How funny that technology called internet could change my life. I mean.. I remember that I used to write a letter to my friend, or sending cards to my relative. And now after internet was born, I use ym to talk to my best friend, sending virtual cards on Eid for my relatives. I know it's quicker, cheaper, but yet sometimes I feel that there's personal touch in it. 

Looking for new job?? Well I don't have to buy Saturday and Sunday  newspaper which full of job advertisement. Now I just click here and there and voila... lots of job ads appear.  Just sign in into this job ads site and every time I found interesting job, with just simple click, they can have my CV  in very very short time. No more paper, no more sending by airmail.

But for me one thing never change. I prefer reading a real book  made of paper, which -sometimes-  had the same weight with newborn baby :D instead of e-book. I enjoy put it on my bag every where I go, reading it anywhere, every time I got a chance. Bus station, platform, just anywhere. Pstt.. sometimes I read on bathroom to >.<

My New Diary

Hi!!

How are you guys today??

Anyway.. just wanna post about my new diary :D.

After accidentally found my old diary.. feels like wanna write again ;)

Hope i could write in this entire diary, not just few pages ;)

Day of Nostalgia.

Hi all!!

Hows ur weekend??

My weekend was quite fun.

Spent all day cleaning my room, cluttering some stuff and you know what?!?!? I found my old diary. It's belong to year 2001. I just finished high school.. still don't know where to go, so i took a year of secretary course. There I met my friend Nur, Kiki, Lia, Restu, Evi and Lissa. Too bad only 3 of us who's still in keep in touch. Nur is mom of 1 cute boy -Fayyaz-, Kiki just got divorced :(, and me.. well.. i think you know me from all Meme i've joined.

And you know the funny thing.. not long after I found that diary.. I got notification from FB. Turned out that one of my friend tagged me a pic. It was pic from our kindergarten!!

Gosh!!! So it's like nostalgia day for me.

Looking at this pic reminds me of the past where all I know is only playing and studying. There's no problems at all. The big problem I ever had at that moment is just my Nana angry at me if choose playing instead of taking nap.  So yesterday.. we made comment on my friend's FB while we try to remember each one of us. 

Ahhh.. I missed those happy moments.

He Said I'm Arrogant

Remember my prev. post about my relation with him?? Incase you forgot.. this is the post.You know.. I'm not saying that I've made a wrong decision, but I think I didn't think it carefully at that time. Wanna know why?? Well.. for this past two days, I was both shocked and sad.

Shocked and sad because indirectly, he said that I'm arrogant. Yup ARROGANT. It's hurt enough when he said that I was mean. And now, he added arrogant to the list just because I'm asking why he tend to think negative about me. How can just because I didn't ol for a day, he's accusing me for hiding from him plus.. he said that I hate him. So was I wrong when I ask him, how come he think that about me? For me.. it's something normal to ask about. But like I said, because of that question, he considered me arrogant. More over.. he don't want any further discussion on that. So as you wish. I give up.

Don't you know, your words hurt a lot. For a whole day, I'm questioning myself. I even put status on my FB and my YM (through cell) 'Am I Arrogant?' Alhamdulillah, Thanks to Allah.. no one aswer that i'm arrogant. And honestly.. I felt relief. 

Now.. it's up to you. If you ever wanna talk, then we'll talk. If not, then I'll keep my mouth shut. Don't you know I've try my best for this. I'm not a talkative person, but yet I try to make conversation with you. I try to ask many question. Remember when I asked you about your family member?? You only telling me their name *with a few minute gap between one name to another*. Or maybe, last week on your off day. When you told me that you're bored and I ask why bored? don't you have something to do (a week before you cleaned your home)? Don't you go out? Remember your answer? More or less you said 'is it important to go out?' 'is it important to ask that?'. You know.. its like a slap on my face. You can considered my over reacted, but for me, your words means  that i'm not important for you. 

I'm only human. I can made a mistake. And all I want is when I did made a mistake, you tell me what was it, not pointing your finger and judge me. 

How can I know what's my mistake if you didn't tell me? 

I Got Mail

Remember my previous post about my email to him?

Well.. he already answered it and I already red it. 

Not a very long mail. The point is that he understand me and my situation well. And he's glad that I told him the truth so everything was clear between us.

Thanks for your understanding dear. You know.. even though I like being honest about myself but still.. it's not an easy thing to do. There's still a part of me who's afraid of being judged.

Anyway.. thanks again. Really appreciate it.

Message Sent

Just finished sending email to him about whats in my mind regarding his request for vacation to Bali on Christmas (or is it New Year?).

Well...Had to admitted that it was attempting offer but yet bit scary. You know.. when I heard that offer from him @ the 1st time, so many thing -or should I say issues- just pop up in my head. From religion restriction, mom's permission and so on. Plus.. I quite know myself. I don't think I can be a good company for those who wanna have fun. I'm not a fun person. Absolutely not. 

So just now, I sent him an email which can explain all whats in my mind. Hope he can understand my situation. 

Psstt.... I think I'm kinda nervous waiting for his answer. 

*git the pic from google*

I'm Not a Psychic

You know..

I'm not a psychic who can know things even when you tell me nothing.

I'm not a psychic who know your past, present and predict your future.

I'm not a psychic who had a vision for what to do or say that might make you happy.

I'm just an ordinary gal ..
Who can't read your mind,
Who don't know what's happening to you unless you tell me so.
Who can't do anything if you didn't tell me what you want me to do.

So now you know...

I'm not a psychic.

pic from google

Hopefully.. I made a right choice.

What a day!! Or should I say night?!?! Just few hours a go I finished chat with him. I thought it's gonna be a plain chat. What I mean with plain is when nothing serious and just simple talking. Specially after he gone on vacation for about 2 weeks. And it was. Well until he said that line again. The 'I love you' thing.

Its not that i don't like it. I mean.. what kinda gal who's not feeling happy when a man said that he love her (lots of time). Even if you don't like the person itself, i'm sure you'll still like the fact that someone actually love you. Ok.. back to my feelings. Like I said.. it's not that I don't like it. It's just I don't wanna be in that situation again. You know.. full of tension because of one principal issue. It was so frustrating. So when I finally made up my mind and he finally accept it, I felt relief. One problem gone and finally can enjoy my chat with him again (without tension) while i'm thinking and working on my own family issues.

But last night he said about his feeling and his point of view on our relation. Generally, I get his point although my head still try to absorb everything he said. And before i know it, he suddenly said 'ok.. from now on you are my lover' then start asking me whether i'm ok or not if he visit me on Dec. 

You know what.. i kinda freeze for a while.. and then i just join into the game. I mean.. i've been through so many things in life, and problem also and most of them wasn't my mistake. I didn't cause it but yet I have to responsible for it plus i have to fixed it. So if saying yes to his idea is a mistake (hope not) so be it. At least it's my own mistake, my own risk and consequences.

So please help me ALLAH.

 

Finally Said It.

I finally said it. Well actually write it down in email and send it to him. After try to control myself for not saying that (for almost 2 weeks), I finally failed.

But please don't imagining that I wrote long and boring email. Coz I don't do that. I just wrote down 1 line as opening and  'I miss You'. As simple as that.

Don't wanna add my mistake list by saying lots of word that might hurt him (again). But in the other hand, I don't wanna lie. I mean.. I do missed him. Missed our chat even it's just about weather or even just a short 'hi' and 'how are you'. 


I do feel relief after tell him that I missed him. But yet.. I think I shouldn't do it to often now. Kinda not fair for him.

Please help me Allah..

 

Final Decision

What a night!!!!!!!
You know...he finally decided that there's nothing more than friend between us. Well.. his exact line is this:

i have now mentally prepared myself, that we both are not ment for each other, and its from God, for which me and you can not do anything.

 

And somehow.. i feel relieved inside.  Maybe coz I'm tired explaining to him that it's not only the matter of love but my obligation to my ALLAH, that it's my decision and like it or not he got to accept it. And maybe for now... i had enough of this love thing. I'm totally tired!! But despite of that.. we agree that we still friend. Well.. he requested that to me.. to still be my friend and I agree. I mean we started as a friend so why not back as a friend. Maybe that's what best for us now. We don't know about what will happened in the future, right???

Anyway... I do wish all the best for him. I really do.